Monday, January 11, 2010

My Inability To Function Must Die

I’m experiencing a major inability to function tonight. That’s the nice phrase for my describing my current attitude. Dwelling on the negative was what Mark called it, and even that was prettier than the truth. I will be totally upfront and honest here: I’m a glass half-empty person. I’m trying to change it but there are days when I’m frustrated, angry, or insecure and they’re not easy emotions to feel very positive about.

I want life to return to a time where we can eat a meal out once in a while, where we have enough money to live comfortably but not over our means. I’m frustrated that every cent we have has to go to rent, bills, and food. Or emergencies like our goofy cat having an infinite eye infection. I’m angry that I have to eat so many processed foods because they’re cheap, especially because in the past year I’ve put on twenty pounds. I’m insecure about my weight but lacking the motivation and willpower to change my bad habits. I’m depressed that these things are the only thing that I’m capable of focusing on.

But like I said, I’m trying to change and I can’t let the most stressful time I’ve ever been through break me or my relationship. Here are some more positive (and in some cases, kick-ass) parts of my life:

I’m thrilled that I live in an apartment I love, located in a rockin’ neighborhood, near some people who couldn't be cooler, and that includes cleaners who ease my pain of scrubbing, picking up, and organizing. I’m thankful that I have a small backyard and will be able to grow my own vegetables in an effort to eat more produce but still save money. I have a pup that loves me to pieces and I’m guilty of not giving her as much attention as I once did. Jade, I’m sorry for that and I’ll try to be more patient the next time you chase the cat, eat out of the garbage, steal something off the counter, eat a pair of my underwear, try to kill the vacuum, or growl when a dog 15 blocks away starts to bark . I’m fortunate to go to a top university even though I don’t come from a wealthy family. And lastly, I’m a lucky girl in that I have a boyfriend who puts up with my crazy bullshit. Anxiety attacks, meltdowns, tears, screaming, and irrational fears, he still loves me. If that doesn’t say it all, I’m not sure what does. 

1 comment:

  1. Hang in there girl! When it gets really bad, remind yourself that there are people who would seriously KILL to be you just to have the cleaners at their disposal! ;o)